


You'll never be mine

by sunnysideup



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Based on I won't MInd, M/M, Song fic, canon AU, i won't mind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2016-01-19
Packaged: 2018-05-14 21:27:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5759455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunnysideup/pseuds/sunnysideup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Its a chilly night in Kruger National Park when Liam hears I won't mind for the first time.  He's never felt so close but so far away from Zayn.</p><p>(or I'm really rubbish at summaries and this is just my interpretation of what happened when Liam heard that magical song for the first time)</p><p>(Louis is only mentioned as are the Paynes).</p>
            </blockquote>





	You'll never be mine

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much to Marie for all the encouragement, for encouraging me to be a bit wordier and for looking at what I did without me having to wait at all I really appreciate it.
> 
> Any grammar errors etc., are mine.

He finds a quiet spot, on a bench that’s still within the boundary of the lodge, where there’s still enough light that he can see his hand in front of his face and where he can be sure that it would just be incredibly bad luck if he got eaten by a lion. It’s turned a bit colder as the day’s worn on and Liam’s wearing his grey Adidas hoodie, dark blue jeans, a pair of tatty old trainers and a beanie on his head. Not just any beanie. Zayn’s beanie. 

Where they are is only the lodge, the lights dimmed with a few hammocks, the benches where he’s sat now, and the trucks. Nothing else for miles. Unless you count the wild animals. He can hear Niall’s laugh from here and the murmur of conversation. 

He sets the cigarettes next to him on the bench, the lighter on top and the ashtray on the other side of him then swipes to unlock his phone, the coverage decent even though they’re in the middle of Kruger National Park. His phone had beeped a few times earlier in the day, enough that the ranger had glared at him when the noise had disturbed them just as they were approaching elephants in the wild for the first time, their first time, since then he’s not had the chance to look till now.

And well, shit. It’s not that there’s hundreds or anything, and he long since learned to turn off twitter notifications but it’s the type of messages that he sees.

From Ruth: Omg. Speechless.

Not just sent once, but several times with assorted emoji’s and with the exclamation marks increasing each time.

And for those from Ruth, there are similar ones from Nic and there are voicemail messages from his mum and even his dad, and some of the people he’s known for years in Wolverhampton.

There are many messages basically and it’ll take him too long to respond but it’s the ones he sees from Louis and then Zayn that stand out.

There are 6 from Louis:

HAVE YOU HEARD IT? PLS TELL ME YOU’VE HEARD IT

SHIT’S HITTIN’ THE FAN – I PROMISE IT WASN’T ME

RU GETTING THESE? LIAAAMMM. 

OH FFS U’VE PROBABLY BEEN EATEN BY AN ANTELOPE AND I’M TEXTING YOU REPEATEDLY. 

CAN ANTELOPES READ? IF THEY CAN, CAN THEY SEND TEXTS? 

HONESTLY THOUGH MATE AND BEING SERIOUS 4 A MINUTE, IT EVEN MADE ME CRY

He feels like he’s the butt of some massive joke which apparently involves antelopes and something that makes Louis cry. 

There are 2 from Zayn. The first is an attachment, there’s no message, it’s just a music file, he pats his pockets, the ear buds he carries around everywhere with him by force of habit are there in the back pocket of his jeans.

Below it is the other message:

The above was pretty much the only thing I wanted to do when I came home. I made sure it was the one thing that counted. I mean every single word. I know you’re on safari. I don’t need a reply. I just wanted you to know every word’s true. Xx

Liam stares at the words on the screen, taking them in and it’s a weird thing to feel 50 words impact you so quickly but it’s inescapable. He’s trembling, his finger hovers over the download button and he’s not sure what’s stopping him except perhaps the feeling that once he listens to whatever’s on there, there’s no going back. And he has no idea whether that’s good or bad at this stage but well that didn’t stop him from going back to X Factor the second time round, and look how that turned out so he presses the download button and he waits.

He lifts the lighter up and with shaking fingers, takes out one cigarette from the box, lighting it and the first drag is followed by an exhale that’s long, the breath he takes as shaky as his fingers. 

And for all he knows, it’s a song about washing up or some kind of excerpt from one of their favourite films. But he just knows it isn’t, even if Zayn hadn’t sent the message after the music file, even if all the other messages hadn’t existed, he’d know. And that’s precisely why he is shaking. He glances at the phone and sees that the file has downloaded, so he lifts the cigarette back to his mouth, letting it balance there while he quickly removes the earbuds from his jeans pocket and plugs them into the iPhone.

He lifts the earbuds and puts them in his ears, then with a confidence that betrays his worst fears, the fear that’s sudden that perhaps it IS momentous because its bad news, that perhaps Zayn is giving up on them, that despite all that, he presses play then removes the cigarette from his mouth, pressing it into the ashtray and stubbing it out, as Zayn’s voice fills his ears and his breath stills.

For 10 seconds, 30 seconds, 2 minutes, 2.51 seconds to be precise. And he hears all the words. He does. But it’s as though he’s looking at himself from a million miles away, like this isn’t really happening so he lifts the phone up, the tremble of his hands stronger than before which scarcely seems possible and yet it is, and he presses play again.

He stares up into the sky, that in the chill of the night is sprinkled with stars, that if Zayn was right here, he’d be whispering into Liam’s ear even with no one around about the names of all of the stars, and they’d sit there on the bench till Zayn would have pulled them off it and onto the ground, where they’d lie next to each other, the warmth of each other keeping the cold at bay, where Liam would lie inventing names for stars while Zayn would laugh and the heat of his laugh and the breath on his neck would be all that Liam would ever need. Just Zayn. That’s all he’s ever needed. 

Instead all he has as he stares up into the sky is the voice that’s filling every part of him, and it’s enough for now. It has to be, there’s no other choice and for all the warmth that fills him as he listen to Zayn, there’s a chill that runs through every part of him just as it has done every day since 18th March. He shakes himself, all these thoughts distracting him for listening properly so he presses the pause button, lowers himself off the bench and onto the ground and he lies back facing up to the sky, holding his phone above him for just a moment, he presses the back button and then play and he closes his eyes.

For a moment as he listens, as he takes in the words, truly takes them in, he doubts himself. Which in turn must mean he doubts Zayn and he wants to wrench that thought from his brain right there because that’s doing Zayn a disservice that’s so wrong, when these words are pouring from Zayn. 

But he does and he can’t believe that this song, these words, that voice, the tone, the emotion, everything is for him. Liam doesn’t get these kinds of things. He’s the one who writes songs for Zayn, the one who sat in a bus and plucked the heart of Better than Words from thin air, and yet they’ve written songs the two of them and he knows that Zayn is capable of this, that he always has been. But just not for him. 

Except. Perhaps it is. Because as the song nears the end again and as he opens his eyes, and he badly needs a cigarette, he holds the phone up again and starts it from the beginning one more time, and everything falls into place. This is them. Them to a Tee. And the start of it is what stays with him, because no, he can’t feel him, he can’t see him but he’s comforted by him and there’s a warmth he didn’t know he’d missed for these last 12 days. 

But as quickly as he feels that warmth, he’s wrong. Zayn’s so wrong. And from nowhere there’s a frustration that’s building inside of him. And he wants to text him to say that he’s wrong. And he’s just glad that his hands, his body are again shaking so badly so he doesn’t. But he’s wrong, he’s just so wrong. And he loses count of how many times he replays it and how many times he’s calmed by the words till five words replay in his mind. ‘You’re wrong Zayn, so wrong’ He wonders when he became the sort of man to sabotage every thought about all that was good in his life. 

He’s forced out of those thoughts by the feel of a hand on his shoulder and he startles a little, but sits up and leans onto his elbows on one side of his body. Its Niall, who mutters an apology as Liam pulls the earbuds out.

‘You okay?’

Liam sits up and shrugs. Because actually he doesn’t know if he is. He doesn’t know if he’s been alright since 18th March or even before then, the moment someone set the dominos in motion to fall.

‘It got leaked by Naughty Boy this morning, everyone’s heard it’ Niall stops speaking for a moment as he moves from behind the bench to sit on the ground next to Liam ‘it got blown out of proportion by management courtesy of Louis’ twitter account and as a result the world and his wife and his next door neighbours know all about it’. 

Liam takes this in, nodding slightly. Louis’ text messages making some sort of sense now. ‘Have you heard it?’ 

‘Yeah mate, I’ve heard it’ and he throws an arm around Liam’s shoulder, pulling him into his body. Providing that comfort that’s appreciated just like it always is but the trouble is that it’s just not enough right now, not what he needs. Not who he needs.

‘He recorded it in London when he got back’ he pulls himself away from Niall as he continues ‘those pictures of him at the studio, he was recording it then’.

‘Ah makes sense, so did he write it when he got back as well then?’

Liam shakes his head. ‘No idea but he’s wrong Niall, he’s just so wrong’. And there it is again. He mumbles an apology which Niall scoffs at, not unkindly.

‘I don’t know what to say to him, well I do but the things I want to say are wrong, I mean what do I say to him about something like that’

‘You’ve got me mate, I think you have to sit back and admire the bravery, the risk when all this shit is going on for him, for you and yet he did this or Shahid did it for him’ Niall stops for a moment, his face that was serious a moment ago changing to a grin ‘Thing is people can claim it’s about whoever they like but we know the truth man’

And trust Niall to be able to pull him back from the haze and the confusion and the doubt. Because he’s right, because Zayn IS wrong, and he’s damn well going to prove to him how wrong he is, but a sentence or two out of that whole song, out of all those other words, Niall’s right. Who else has someone like Zayn record something like that about them?

Who else has the privilege of Zayn’s breath on their neck at night? Who else gets to know what makes Zayn laugh. What makes Zayn happy? What makes Zayn fall in love? So he allows himself to cast aside what is wrong, just for now, and embrace all the rest that’s right.

He pulls Niall towards him, planting a kiss on his cheek and whispering a ‘thank you’ into his ear which Niall returns accompanied by a pat of his knee.

‘Phone him, just do it’ and then he’s gone.

**

It takes Liam 2 cigarettes and pacing up and down, listening to the song twice more and banishing the negativity away from him before he’s pressing the dial number button and he’s glancing at his watch, it’s evening too now in the UK and he’s just about to start panicking about the fact that he has no idea what to say when.

‘Hello Liam, let me explain’

But he doesn’t want him to, not when explaining things might take away this moment, this calm that’s enveloped him, this overwhelming sense that he’s exhausted right now, the events of the last half hour or so having taken every brick in the wall he’d built up since Zayn went home and swept it away, till he’s just here and no the last thing he needs is an explanation. Not now. 

So he says that and there’s a silence which feels like it goes on forever but is actually probably just a few seconds until.

‘Okay then, so spotted any lions and elephants yet?’ 

And it never needed a song to prove their love. Just the fact that he hears Zayn’s voice and the trembling just disappears like magic is all the evidence he never needed. And yes still there’s the voice at the back of his mind murmuring ‘but you’re wrong, you’re just so wrong’ but he reminds himself to ignore it, to park it for now and so he finds a smile and he starts to talk, and all that’s missing is the arm around him, Zayn’s fingers stroking the back of his neck but he can imagine it and that’s enough for now.

‘Yeah lots of both of them, no antelopes though’ 

Zayn mutters a confused ‘what? I didn’t ask about antelopes Li’ 

And Liam lets out a laugh, a laugh that’s like releasing everything that’s built up these past almost 2 weeks. 

‘Sorry, sorry’ he says between laughs until there’s quiet on the line, and all he can hear is the sound of insects behind him, it’s what they do, it’s part of them, just knowing that the other is there, at the end of the phone, it’s become their new kind of normal, these past days and Liam hope it never becomes the permanent normal but he supposes there’s worse kinds of normal than this.

And he doesn’t want it to stop, he wants this ease that’s been so absent since he went home to stay because it’s like the warmest blanket and it’s been too long, far too long without it, but he can’t help himself and perhaps he has to admit to himself, he doesn’t want to help it.

‘’Did you mean it?’

‘What babe?’

‘That’ he pauses, cursing the insecurity that he’s always possessed that he’s been told it’s natural to possess, that came from when he was a child and he’d done something good, something right but then the other kids had ripped the piss out of him and taken it away from him, cast doubt on every single thing and every single amount of praise that adults gave to him, this insecurity that makes him sure that one day Zayn will decide he’s had enough, that it’s too much and he didn’t come into this relationship to coddle Liam. So he curses it because it’s like he’s some kind of walking contradiction because the moment he gets on stage or the moment a mic is shoved in his face, the confidence flows through every part of him and the moment his next words leave his mouth he regrets them but it’s too late and he needs to know okay? He needs to know.

‘That you’re proud of me’

Zayn says nothing for a moment, and for that couple of seconds. Liam’s convinced that Zayn’s hung up and he’s just about to glance at the phone to reveal that he’s right when there’s a deep sigh.

‘Never not proud of you Liam Payne, and it’s got bugger all to do with what happens with the band, its everything else, it’s the things I’ve told you a thousand times and you shrug and act as though as it’s the most normal thing in the world for someone to be like you but it’s not’

He stops for a moment and Liam’s about to attempt to reply, to muster up some words if he can find them when Zayn starts to speak again.

‘I started writing this not long after the engagement, to Perrie and when you were put with Sophia, then I left it, I shoved it to the back of my head, didn’t want to go there again it just felt like revisiting it was tempting fate, that by thinking about the worst of times, it would bring them back and then all this happened so I sat on that plane, just me and Shareena and I dunno it was like I’d never stopped writing it, it was like it was yesterday and I finished it and then I got off the plane and I went to see Shahid, begged him to let me record it, he offered to edit it , he offered to put bells and whistles on it, he offered me the world for it but I didn’t want it, I wanted it to be me, the me you know so you wouldn’t think it was bullshit’ 

‘I’d never think it was bullshit Zed, never’ 

‘Maybe not but it kind of ran away with me, and today, is just a fucking mess’. And he sounds angry and it makes Liam angry and there’s a million and one other questions running through his brain right now, but it’s not the time for that. Not when they’re thousands of miles apart, not like this.

‘Will you stay on the phone with me till one of us falls asleep Zayn?’ It was something they did for a long time before they even became officially a couple, during the hardest times and it just feels like it’s the only thing he needs right now.

And there’s a soft response of ‘yes’ as Liam picks himself up from the ground, drops the cigarettes and lighter into his front jeans pocket and walks back to his room.  
‘’So what’s this about antelopes then?’

**

5th April 2015

He shuts the door gently behind him. Drops the bags to his left and sighs. He feels tired, he feels grubby in the way he always does when he’s flown anywhere, he needs to shower but he doesn’t. Instead with a quick glance into the kitchen, and the living room and after checking in the studio, he takes the stairs two at a time and opens the bedroom door.

He’s lying under the covers, mouth slightly open and facing the door. And it’s only now when he sees him, with the hair that’s grown so much since the last time he saw him, the last time he held him. The dark circles still there that he wants to kiss away. It’s only now that it really hits home how much he missed him.

He undresses till he’s naked and he walks round to his side of the bed and climbs under the covers, shuffling close to Zayn till he puts his arms around the front of his body and pulls him into his body.

It doesn’t even seem to surprise Zayn. It never does, instead he whispers a sleepy ‘welcome home’ 

‘I missed you so much’ murmurs Liam as Zayn turns over to face him 

‘Not as much as I missed you’ 

And Liam doesn’t doubt it at all. He has a song for him to prove how much Zayn loves him. He’s sat on twitter this last week in the moments of doubt when he’s thought he’s been out of his mind for thinking it’s for him despite Zayn reassuring him so many times that it is, reading the comments of people who know full well who the song was about. 

He’s spent hours thinking about how Zayn felt, about what drove him to write the song in the first place, and then record it when he did. How what’s to come in their future, the inevitability and the knowledge that him and Sophia are ending this year too, never mind him and Perrie, that in those moments, those days, that flight home, it must have felt like a lifetime away. And that for all the peace and the time and the comfort that Liam’s needed, you could multiply by that a hundred thousand and it’d still be never enough to imagine or describe what Zayn’s been through these past years. 

It’s never been a competition though, all he wants right now more than anything, and it starts right here, and he wants to prove how wrong Zayn was. 

So he lifts a hand to his face and he says softly but firmly ‘you’re wrong though Zayn’

There’s a shift in Zayn’s demeanour which he’s sure only he could notice, a tension that wasn’t there 30 seconds ago. 

‘I’m going to spend the rest of our lives together proving how wrong you are’ and he presses a kiss to his chest, then his neck, then his ears before he whispers ‘because I’ll always be yours’.


End file.
